Posted: September 25, 2012 in Thoughts

Trudging through life and thinking i am better, all the while i was sinking deeper into the marshes. The filthy bog of life has a way of altering perception u til its almost too late.

Time to tie a rope on and start pulling towards the surface once more as i prepare for a new round of this daily test of perseverance.

Thus the war is waged. One obstacle at a time.

the wall

Posted: September 11, 2012 in Thoughts

I hit the wall today. SO now i either lay down or grab a sledgehammer….

I hate being lied to. Especially when you ask again and STILL get lied to. I give people multiple chances to come clean and i do not care at that point, but after the final out, thats it. Friend, family… just lost major trust points.

AND.. why would anyone do that when its obvious that i know they are lying, AND in the middle of a PTSD episode….. then THEY get upset because i get mad….

Update on Monday morning:
Have had time to think and relax. This still angers me but i understand why they did it

Please help if you can. Anything would be greatly appreciated.


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


It bared repeating. As one of my PTSD buddies said recently about someone who pissed him off…..

“Sometimes i want to tell someone to fuck off, and when they get there fuck off again so they can come back and i can tell them to fuck off once more”. I completely understand that.


Job is easy, Family (wife and pets) is no problem, getting over my military past…. THAT is the problem. I close my eyes now at night and am almost immediately back in the barracks or some other God forsaken place and when i wake up, it takes me several minutes to realize where i am. That i am home, safe, and have been out for nearly two decades.  I will be walking along and suddenly a smell, sound or name… who knows… snaps a memory and for even a split second.. i am not there.


Feels so frustrating, out of control and alone.



Horse therapy

Posted: August 30, 2012 in Thoughts

Went to a program my wife got me involved in called “Horses for Heroes”. Its a very peaceful environment. Walked in a pasture to choose the horse i will work with and “Gunner”, walked up and chose me. I actually relaxed a few notched while there.

Then i left and all hell broke loose. Construction, REALLY close to getting t-boned in my car, phone calls with family drama…..
I think i spent half the night pacing, the other half screaming into a pillow. Hope i did not keep my wife up

Too much

Posted: August 29, 2012 in Thoughts

The emotional pain is almost too much. I understand why ppl cut themselves. Anything to get it out.