Sinking

Posted: September 25, 2012 in Thoughts

Trudging through life and thinking i am better, all the while i was sinking deeper into the marshes. The filthy bog of life has a way of altering perception u til its almost too late.

Time to tie a rope on and start pulling towards the surface once more as i prepare for a new round of this daily test of perseverance.

Thus the war is waged. One obstacle at a time.

the wall

Posted: September 11, 2012 in Thoughts
Tags:

I hit the wall today. SO now i either lay down or grab a sledgehammer….

I hate being lied to. Especially when you ask again and STILL get lied to. I give people multiple chances to come clean and i do not care at that point, but after the final out, thats it. Friend, family… just lost major trust points.

AND.. why would anyone do that when its obvious that i know they are lying, AND in the middle of a PTSD episode….. then THEY get upset because i get mad….

Update on Monday morning:
Have had time to think and relax. This still angers me but i understand why they did it

Please help if you can. Anything would be greatly appreciated.

 

http://igg.me/p/205246?a=1026963

 

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

 

It bared repeating. As one of my PTSD buddies said recently about someone who pissed him off…..

“Sometimes i want to tell someone to fuck off, and when they get there fuck off again so they can come back and i can tell them to fuck off once more”. I completely understand that.

 

Job is easy, Family (wife and pets) is no problem, getting over my military past…. THAT is the problem. I close my eyes now at night and am almost immediately back in the barracks or some other God forsaken place and when i wake up, it takes me several minutes to realize where i am. That i am home, safe, and have been out for nearly two decades.  I will be walking along and suddenly a smell, sound or name… who knows… snaps a memory and for even a split second.. i am not there.

 

Feels so frustrating, out of control and alone.

 

-me

Horse therapy

Posted: August 30, 2012 in Thoughts
Tags:

Went to a program my wife got me involved in called “Horses for Heroes”. Its a very peaceful environment. Walked in a pasture to choose the horse i will work with and “Gunner”, walked up and chose me. I actually relaxed a few notched while there.

Then i left and all hell broke loose. Construction, REALLY close to getting t-boned in my car, phone calls with family drama…..
I think i spent half the night pacing, the other half screaming into a pillow. Hope i did not keep my wife up

Too much

Posted: August 29, 2012 in Thoughts

The emotional pain is almost too much. I understand why ppl cut themselves. Anything to get it out.